just keep swimming

anybody out there?

2009-11-11T06:41:00.000-08:00

I don't imagine anyone is still reading as I haven't posted here in almost a year, but thought it would be a good idea to pop in.

To catch up on the last eleven months in 60 seconds...
- got pregnant, was petrified to lose the baby (so you don't have to skip to the end - baby is here! healthy and happy!)
- was very sick for the first 20 weeks - threw up after every single meal and sometimes in between for good measure. smiled every single time i was sick. honestly. why? because i was pregnant, i was throwing up becuase there was a reason to and i knew the baby was alive. suck it infertility! i'm sure there are many of you that completely understand this
- around week 22 i was able to hold some meals down. i also got ridiculously busy with work. spent the better part of two months living in dc during the week working from the time i woke up until the time i passed out in my hotel room
- week 30-ish we decided life wasn't exiting enough so we tore up the back yard, put in a new retianing wall, patio and landscaping, worked on the baby's nursery, redid the bathroom and put on a family room addition. no ladders for me but my OB did okay scaffolding....we did the majority of the work ourselves
- july 31st - go on leave from work, baby isn't due for two more weeks and i think that i have a ton of time
- august 3rd - surprise! that really is your water breaking!
- agusut 4th - we welcomed our beautiful daughter, Amelia, to the world

Amelia is just over three months now and is wonderful! We are so in love with her.

was that more that 60 seconds? i didn't time it

When she was born I didn't think that I wanted to do a blog about her, not sure why, I was just kind of keeping it all to myself. The problem with that is that I start to forget the little things. Little stories I want her to know about. Things that may not be important to anyone else, but I don't want to forget. I've written a few things down but it just doesn't seem good enough. So, I started another blog. I'm not quite sure what will be there. I've started off telling Amelia her story. The posts are written to her, but not all will be.

If you're interested, feel free to join us :)

http://rathernotforget.blogspot.com/

second ultrasound

2008-12-31T07:03:00.000-08:00

Getting nervous...

Get to the hospital early. I'm beyond excited for this part - I get to meet my best friend's brand new son! He is beautiful and everyone is doing great. We spend a few minutes with them and then it's time to run upstairs for our appointment.

The tech calls me back. K waits patiently in the waiting room. The ultrasound starts and she's clicking away. I swear they all have such a great poker face! I guess they have to. click click click I work up some nerve and ask if the baby is still in there. Yep, still there! click click click Then! ba-bum ba-bum ba-bum ba-bum I feel little tears in the corners of my eyes. So, I ask - is that the heartbeat? Yes! I am beyond relieved!

The tech goes back to get K from the waiting room. I can't stop smiling. When they are back she turns the screen to us. I can totally see the baby! He looks huge! Then, she points out his little heart flashing away and turns on the sound. I don't think I've ever seen my husband happier!

A few minutes later we're sitting in a consult room with my favorite nurse. She gives us a couple of the us pictures. I love them! The baby's heartbeat is 140bpm. She tells us that this is very strong and we should be happy. I'm also measuring right at 7 weeks. Then, she explains our next steps - we're released and need to make and appointment with a regular OB. Yikes! That's bittersweet. I really don't want to leave the practice. She also gives us a package of cookies with a note of congratulations and my due date - August 16th :)

I'm out!

2008-12-23T11:41:00.000-08:00

In a few hours I'll be done with work for the year! Between the dates that our office closes, our floating holidays and our scheduled Vegas vacation I won't be back in until January 12th. I'm beyond excited! I don't even know if I'll remember where my office is :)

I just wanted to pop on and wish everyone the best!

so far so good

2008-12-20T07:26:00.000-08:00

My ultrasound was yesterday. Still pregnant and everything looked good even though there wasn't much to see. I'm feeling relieved and looking forward to the next one.

On to the appointment. K and I got there about fifteen minutes early. I was anxious. I was worried about what we were going to see but I also had to run from the appointment straight back to work because I was booked with meetings that day. Meetings that I absolutely could not miss. I had no idea what I would have done if we got bad news. Thankfully this wasn't an issue. Right on time my name was called. K and I got up and the tech asked him to stay in the waiting room. She wanted to get some measurements and then would call him back. Hmm.

In the room. The tech is clicking away and moving the cam around but not saying anything. I'm thinking good thoughts and praying. Finally, she asks if this is my first pregnancy. Caught off guard, I stumble over my words a bit but tell her that I was pregnant last year but this is the first that's made it to an ultrasound. Silence again. I decide to just go for it and ask if she sees anything. Yes, she explains that this early there isn't much to see but she can see the sac and it did implant in the right place. Yay! I ask about the heartbeat. No heartbeat she says but explains that it's way too early, not to worry. She asks if I'd like to see the monitor or wait for my husband. I'll wait.

A few minutes later the tech comes back in with K. He looks anxious too. I smile at him and I can see him relax. The tech explains the same thing to him - implanted in the right place but not much to see this early on. Then, she turns the monitor to us. I don't see anything. Then, I see a little black oval. That's our baby!

After I'm dressed we sit down with the nurse for our next steps. I thought I was closer to 5w4-5d but I'm measure at 5w1d. This is fine, she explains. They want me back in 7-10 days for another ultrasound. The nurse explains that at the next appointment that would expect to see the yolk sac and fetal pole. She mentions that they may see a heartbeat but it may also be a little too early so not to worry. I schedule my next appointment for eleven days - Dec 30th. I'm hoping the see the heartbeat but will be okay if we don't. I just hope that everything is progressing. K and I keep joking that slow and steady wins the race :)

The most exciting part? We got two pictures of our little black oval! Currently residing on our fridge :)

can't concentrate anymore!

2008-12-18T11:38:00.000-08:00

Yikes! Tomorrow is our first ultrasound. I'm so excited/nervous/anxious/whatever that I'm having a difficult time concentrating on work this afternoon. It doesn't help that I only have three more days of work left.

Our appointment is a ten tomorrow morning. I still feel like I'm pregnant and will be honestly surprised if I'm not. Maybe that's what scares me the most. I've tried so hard to be realistic while still being a little bit positive, but now I'm just positive. I'm not really listening to the realistic voice inside my head and I'll be taken off guard if there is a problem. Bottom line worrying right now will not change anything so I'm not going to worry.

calming down

2008-12-15T08:39:00.000-08:00

Thank you for the congratulations and well wishes, I really do appreciate them :)

I'm starting to relax and calm down a little bit. I actually told my husband this week that I thought we could be pregnant. I'm feeling much more like my old self - positive. I still understand that lots of things could happen. At this point I'm doing everything that I am supposed to, but I have no control over anything else. I just need to stay positive, telling myself that everything is going to be fine and if it's not I'll have to deal with it then. Getting myself all worked up now will do absolutely nothing.

Physically I'm doing good. I'm a little bit more tired, but laying down for a few minutes after work helps. My boobs are incredibly sore - if I accidentally roll over on them it the middle of the night it will wake me up. I have some mild cramping and the last few days I've been nauseous. In fact, this morning driving to work I smelled some exhaust fumes from a big truck and I gagged for the next ten minutes, still nauseous from that one. Not complaining at all! I can take whatever this pregnancy can throw at me as long and I can have a healthy baby at the end of it :)

where do I start?

2008-12-11T12:05:00.000-08:00

At the beginning I guess.

No secret that I've been avoiding this blog and posting to it. I guess I was just trying to forget about infertility for a while. I'll pause for the laughing to stop :) You cannot just forget about infertility, at least, I, can't. Just not possible. But posting here was making me kind of sad - I didn't feel like I had much to offer or anything new to share. Maybe that's the best way to describe it - I weighed the pros and cons of creating a new post and was happier when I decided not to. That's not to say that I don't like this blog - it has been great. I've been able to get my thoughts out of my head. I'm able to read other fantastic blogs and have received so much wonderful support that I just want to cry and give everyone a hug. I hope I've been able to give support too.

Here's a quick rundown of what we've been up to - started the met and prolo.del in September - had a completely normal 29 day cycle! Woo! I think the nurse was just as surprised as I was. Spoke with my RE - he thought everything looked great and started me on clo.mid in addition to the other meds. Took clo.mid and became violently ill. I almost wound up in the hospital dehydrated. The jury is still out if I had a stomach flu with terrible timing or it was the result of the clo.mid. Start OPKs and wasn't able to detect a surge. Go in for an ultrasound and blood work - got the call that I should O the next day. Also, RE wants to do an IUI, thinks it is our best chance. My husband and I agree so the next day (Sunday, Nov 23) we head in to the office for our first IUI.....

I'll be damned, the first IUI worked! Am pregnant! Seriously.

I was working out of town last week. Got home Friday night and told my husband that I had a crazy desire to pee on a stick. He wanted me to just relax and wait for Saturday. I couldn't do that. So, I tested and got a positive! Didn't believe it. Saturday morning I tested again (3 tests, 2 different brands, yes am crazy) and all came out positive. Still think this is crazy talk. Sunday morning I had only intended to take one test (God bless cheap tests from the internet) but at 5 in the morning (when I couldn't hold it anymore) the positive line didn't look quite as dark as I wanted it. So, I took two more tests. And then one more for good measure. All four were positive. No longer think this is crazy talk, eight positive tests have convinced me, am now petrified.

I schedule my beta test for Tuesday morning. Beta comes back at 65. The nurse has to tell me several times that this is pregnant. Not maybe. I am pregnant. I don't know. I would have felt better if the number would have been 267.

Went for second beta this morning. Beta comes back at 121. I panic because this is not double. I understand simple math. I'm addicted to Big Brain Academy. The nurse assures me that it's fine. They are happy to see an increase anywhere from 80-100%. She reminds me again that I'm pregnant. Yikes!

My first ultrasound is scheduled for next Friday. I keep reminding myself that today I am pregnant. I just hope I stay that way...

I voted, did you?

2008-11-04T06:53:00.001-08:00

thank you! thank you!

2008-10-31T12:09:00.000-07:00

Thank you all so much for your thoughtful insights/sharing your experiences/positive thoughts! We really do appreciate them :)

I promise not to be such a blog slacker next week. I don't have much time today but wanted to thank everyone. I'm so thankful to have found L&F. I can't even begin to describe how it, and all of you have helped me. I'm very grateful!

a little help please?

2008-10-28T08:59:00.000-07:00

After his second SA K was diagnosed with low morphology (8%), his other number were all good. He went to the urologist who ruled our any physical problems and sent him for blood work. He had a follow up visit yesterday and his blood work showed low FSH and low testosterone. His doctor wants him to have an MRI done of his pituitary gland. He mentioned to K that he doesn't believe he has cancer but just wants to get a look at it. (???) Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Any info you can point me to? Any info would be greatly appreciated!

thanks girls!

2008-10-03T12:46:00.000-07:00

I *am* feeling more positive! I'm not sure what flipped the switch exactly, but I *feel* better. Well, that should be that I feel better emotionally. The new side effects from the parlo.del and met.formin get to me sometimes but I still can't complain.

I might have just been in my head too much, or making too many visits to Dr. Google. Maybe it was finally getting some answers or a new plan or even just to hear that our doctor is confident that we'll be okay. Either way I'll take it.

Definitely looking forward to the weekend (seriously, when am I not?). Tonight we had plans to meet some friends but they were canceled today, so K and I are going out on a date. Tomorrow should be a busy day - we have a funeral mass for a cousin of my MILs, my nieces baptism and then I'm heading to a baby shower for my girlfriend. This weekend Pittsburgh is celebrating it's 250th birthday. There is supposed to be a huge fireworks show Saturday night. We're still weighing the pros and cons of driving into town and dealing with the craziness or sitting at home and watching the coverage on tv (slackers!). Stay tuned.

Hope everyone has a great weekend!

k's doctor visit

2008-09-30T11:49:00.000-07:00

Yesterday K went to see the urologist for the first time. The visit was mostly good! There are no physical problems to correct. His morphology was a little lower than the norm. The doctor told him that this was most likely due to a hormone imbalance. He gave him a script for blood work and then we'll go from there. Like my RE, K's doctor wasn't terribly concerned with his numbers and said that they would work to correct the problem and we should be fine. Just as important is that K was comfortable with the doctor. He said that he was very easy to talk to and very knowledgeable. Just what you'd want in a doctor!

Again, we've finished these last two appointments feeling more hopeful and positive about our chances :) I'm getting really excited for the time that we'll be able to try with a good chance of conceiving!

RE Visit

2008-09-29T07:58:00.000-07:00

Overall I think the trip to the RE last Friday went well. I was much more hopeful coming out than I was going in. I think a little too much time in my head as well as consulting Dr. Google made me a bit more gloomy than normal.

Test results! Mostly good. My prolactin level is up. The good news is that it's not up enough to indicate a pituitary tumor. Yay! So no need for additional testing. However, my level is higher than they would like so I started Parlo.del to bring it down. I'll have follow up blood work in a month. I also have mild PCOS - I don't have cysts on my ovaries but I am insulin resistant (I knew that glucose tolerance test didn't go well!). So, I started Met.formin. My med schedule is one pill (500mg) once a day for a week. Then, one pill twice a day for a week. Finally, one pill three times a day after that. My doc said that if I'm not handling the side effects well I might need to drop down to one pill twice a day. Anyone familiar with this? Does it sound normal? If you took Parlo.del or Met.formin how were your side effects?

Next steps - waiting on pregnancy test results so that I can start Pro.vera. CD3 ultrasound. Will continue taking mediations for this cycle. Around CD 40 (or sooner if I get a period on my own) I'll call to check in with the office. Then, they want me to add Clo.mid to the mix and do IUIs, but this will depend on how I do with the medicines this month.

K has his appointment with the urologist this afternoon. I'm anxious to hear what he has to say. I'm not terribly nervous - my doctor didn't seem to think that K's levels were all that bad. He thinks we might be okay once I start ovulating/with IUIs. I hope he's right.

Like I said before we left the office feeling more hopeful that we did going in. In an ideal situation we wouldn't need to do any of this but none of our results were horrible.

housekeeping

2008-09-26T15:03:00.000-07:00

Stealing a few minutes to update....

- All is well :) Things have been crazy. Some drama - still deciding what to post here, bottom line - all is well
- I downloaded a new background from Simply Chic Blog Background. I needed a bit of a face lift
- I've been a commenting slacker although I have been thinking about my fellow swimmers a lot lately, will catch up on commenting soon!
- K and I saw the RE this morning - I'm working on a post....

everybody's workin' for the weekend

2008-09-12T11:53:00.001-07:00

That's kind of how I feel lately. Work has been very busy. Good. Just busier than normal. K's work has been the same way. Although, my job at least has some periods of normalcy, K's is always crazy. This past week either one or both of us have brought work home, broke out the old laptop and worked all night. Yuck! Not tonight though! We're free for the weekend. It's rainy and chilly here in Pittsburgh, the perfect night to cuddle up with a movie!

Hope you have a good weekend!

a few little hurdles

2008-09-09T06:43:00.000-07:00

So! I need to do some updating, here goes...

My sonohysterography was Thursday. This one was pretty easy - some mild cramping. I was actually more bothered by my need to pee! I'm sure you can imagine that it wasn't that bad.

My HSG was Friday. K took the day off to keep me company and to do his second SA. My RE came down to diagnostic imaging to do the test himself. I didn't realize that he did that. I thought that one of the people in that department would be there. It put a little smile on my face when I found out Dr. F would be coming down, I really do like him.

The test was okay. I think the 800mg of Motr.in I took before helped a bit. I did have lots of cramping and some of pain on my left side. I felt nothing on my right side. No aching, cramping, pinching, anything. For the last seven months whenever I've had pinching or cramping in that general region its always been on my left side. I'm not quite sure what that means. I've never had a cyst (or at least have never seen one on any of the ultrasounds), but I did make sure to tell my doctor about the right/left sides.

What surprised me most was the pain *after* the HSG. As soon as I got down from the table and dressed to leave it started. And kept up for the next hour. I felt lots of cramping and pressure pain and I actually had pain in my back and my hips. It definitely slowed down my walking. If K hadn't there to drive I would have sat down on one of the hospitals couches for a while, I didn't want to get in the car. After an hour or so the pain started to go away. I did have cramping for the rest of the day but it just felt like menstrual cramps.

The day after the HSG I started spotting, then the spotting turned to bleeding just like AF. Days later I'm still bleeding. I talked with the nurse and she said not to worry unless I go through a pad per hour. Not that bad, so I'm not worried.

I do have to say that I was proud of myself - I wasn't worried, nervous or anxious before or during these tests. I just keep concentrating on the fact that this is another step that will bring us closer to having a baby. I can do whatever I need to to have a baby.

The good news is that both of the early reports indicate that my ute and tubes are free and clear!

More good news - the only test I have left to do is CD21 blood work. I get to keep my pants on!

Little hurdle #1 - my insurance coverage for IF testing has run out. I was also surprised by a $300 co pay for the HSG. Sigh. I have no coverage for IF treatment. Sigh.

Silver lining - I can change insurances! Open enrollment for my work is in November (K's too), insurance changes will be effective 1 Jan. My work offers three different plans for each of the three insurance carriers. K's works offers several as well. I'm hoping that between all of the different plans we're able to find one that covers our doctors and IF testing/treatment. My insurance will still cover doctors visits, but I'll be paying OOP for any tests until January. It stinks (is there much related to IF that doesn't?) but I still feel fortunate that we are able to do it. I do realize that it could be a lot worse.

Little hurdle #2 - K's second SA came back with the same results - higher number of abnormal sperm (teratozoospermia). Stupidly, I didn't get the exact number. So, he's off to see a urologist. I guess both of us have some defects. Just another bump in the road to have a baby. The key phrase here is to "have a baby". We're keeping our eye on the prize.

Silver lining - Again, I know it could be a lot worse. His other numbers were good and I'm glad that he does have sperm. K took the news well (although I'm not sure what I expected). There was the typical "this sucks" and "it's frustrating that so many people don't have this problem, it's so easy for them but not for us" but we just keep moving forward. Really, that's all we can do. Also! We've gotten pregnant before! That has to count for something, right? We keep reminding each other that we're a team in this. Partners. There's no "his problem" or "I'm disappointing him because....". They are our problems. Period. We'll do whatever we need to do together. I'm so thankful to have K as my husband.

quick update

2008-09-02T07:23:00.000-07:00

Still kickin. I was off this past Friday and Monday. K and I met my parents and Louie at our cabin for the long weekend. We had a wonderful time! Nice and relaxing. This week is a little crazy at work so I might not have much time to update. Still trying to catch up on blogs...

I'm an Aunt again! Our newest niece (yes, a girl. again.) was born on Friday afternoon. If you're keeping count the tally is still in favor of the girls. We have nine nieces and one nephew. Although we do have another nephew due in January so the little guy won't be all alone :) I think my MIL is irritated with us. We got the call that she was born on Friday as we were driving to our cabin. We sent along our congrats but I got the feeling that she wanted us to stay home for the weekend and see the baby. Meh. We got home and talked with my MIL on Monday. My SIL and family just got home from the hospital that day. We told her that we were going to head over there Tuesday after work to see the baby. She told K that we could go over that day. K said that we weren't going to rush and we had some other things to do, we'd go over on Tuesday. MIL mentioned the my BIL said that he'd like lots of visitors. Oy. My SIL was already having her in laws over for dinner that night. She just got home. I'd like to give her some time to rest. I don't think my brother in law gets a say - he didn't just go through labor. So we're seeing the baby tonight.

I have my sonohysterogram on Thursday and my HSG on Friday. I'm trying not to wish the month away but I'd really like to finish my testing and have our "here's the plan" meeting. Thats scheduled for the 26th. I know it will be here before I know it, but I can't help it I'm excited :)

I think I have most of the seven dwarfs covered

2008-08-26T17:41:00.000-07:00

and all in one day! I had the CD3 u/s and did my fasting blood work and two hour glucose test today. I think the tests went fine. They took ten vials of blood - a record for me. The drink wasn't terrible but, obviously, very sugary. I'm not much of a sugary person. I did get a sugar rush, then promptly crashed and was exhausted. The rest of the day I felt woozy and light headed. Also, very very tired. I'm guessing this is pretty normal? Right? How did you feel?

Now, about those dwarfs...

Doc - Well, I saw a Doc today. I vote that counts.

Grumpy - I was a little grumpy about waking up earlier than usual and not feeling well.

Sleepy - Definitely felt the crash from the sugar rush. I spent the next two hours with my eyes closed. I don't think I fell asleep, but who knows?

Bashful - In theory I should have been a bit bashful about showing another new person my girl parts. Meh.

Sneezy - Can I get a pass and change this to Itchy? New little patches of poison ivy continue to appear on my body. My reward for yard work.

Dopey - The sugar rush from the lemon lime goo threw me for a loop. I was definitely feeling floopie.

Happy - despite some side effects it's still all good! :)

here we go!

2008-08-25T07:38:00.000-07:00

Yay, the prov.era worked! My official CD 1 was yesterday. I talked with one of the nurses yesterday and set up appointments for blood work, glucose tolerance test and ultrasounds for tomorrow morning. Can I just say again how much I love this practice? I do. The nurse I talked with yesterday left a message for another woman to call me today so that I can schedule my HSG and sonohysterogram. I'm excited to get this show on the road and just keep moving forward :)

love is...

2008-08-22T11:45:00.000-07:00

... jumping into a 74 degree pool because your dog wants a swim partner!

Last night K and I went up to the pool so that Louie could run around the back half of the yard and maybe swim. We've been having unseasonably cool weather (no complaints here) and being the slackers that we are, we didn't have the solar cover on.

Louie is racing around as happy as can be. He brought me his water toy and then waited by the steps to go in after it. I was sitting on the deck with my feet in the pool and knew how chilly the water was. Lou put two paws on the top step and looked over at me like "really?!?" The big wuss was actually whimpering! Then, he ran over to me, put a paw on my leg and then ran back to the steps. From me to the steps, back and forth. I knew exactly what he wanted. Argh.

In I went wearing cropped lounge pants and a tank top. Splash! Louie jumped in right after me and swam around and around. K laughed at both of us. Surprisingly the water wasn't so bad once I was in.

Louie is lucky that he's cute :)

maybe the grass is always greener?

2008-08-21T10:28:00.000-07:00

Sometimes.

I had a good talk with my sister in law N a little while ago. Originally intended as a quick "heres the pilates/yoga class we're signing up for" it went a bit deeper than that. Right now she's working to find the balance between mom/wife/person. She feels like shes in a never ending loop of being pregnant and breastfeeding. I feel for her. And, really, she's not exaggerating. She's had four children in four years. She is in an endless loop of being pregnant and breastfeeding. Please don't get me (or her) wrong - she loves her kids, this is exactly where she wants to be in her life. From what I gather the whole finding a balance between Mom and everything else is very common.

I also spilled the beans on whats going on with us.

It's kind of funny. There are times when I envy N. I'm happy with my life. I'm also eager to meet the challenges of being a Mom. She told me today that she's sometimes envious of us. K and I get to spend a good bit of time together. Even when we just run to the store or out for a quick bite to eat it's like a little date. Just us.

I never really thought of it that way, but it's probably a good lesson to learn. We do have this time together. Right now. Virtually uninterrupted. Hell, we go grocery shopping together because we make it fun. For me it's a relatively boring task thats made better when my favorite person is with me. I'm going to try and remember that more often :)

I think I'll call my husband and ask him out on a little date tonight.

this aunt is feeling a bit nostalgic

2008-08-19T13:16:00.000-07:00

I became a Godmother for the first time this weekend! Sitting in the first pew, listening to our priest talk about responsibility I felt incredibly honored to be chosen. I have eight nieces and one nephew, all under 6 and I love them so much. Pretty soon I'll be an Aunt again - we have one surprise due in the next week or so and one more nephew due in January.

During the preparations this weekend I let my mind wander down memory lane. I've known these kids before they were born. Literally I've only missed one, my oldest niece, and that was because I hadn't met her uncle yet :) I've watched them grow physically - clapping for their first steps, laughing at their wobbly drunk baby run and now praising them for expertly riding a big wheel or trike. I've listened to them tell endless stories and funny (and not so funny) jokes. I still have the voice mails of the girls singing happy birthday to me at work and I have my calendar marked so that I can make the annual "how was your first day of school" call. Note that I'm blocking out some of the fantastic meltdowns I've witnessed ;) I've watched their personalities develop. All of them so different. And I feel privileged to be apart of that.

As I was holding my Goddaughter, in the outfit that I got to pick, I was thinking about the newest wave of babies that have been born, or will be in the next few months. I can't wait to see who they will become.

As we've struggled with IF it can sometimes be difficult to watch baby after baby be born. The seemingly never endless talk of pregnancy and our want to give the kids another little cousin. However, these struggles, don't change the way I feel about these kids. I love them.

Some little things from the weekend that I don't want to forget...

SB asking me to fix her plate. When we got to the yummy fruit salad I asked her what her favorite fruit in the bowl was. She pointed out the big blackberries, so I made sure to pick out some extra berries for her. She got the biggest kick out of that.

K's brother and family got to the church. K and him Mom went out to help get the four girls inside. Apparently the girls weren't in the best mood and wanted no parts of going into church, even with Uncle K and Grandma. K ran inside and told me that I was needed. When I got to the car I got big smiles all around. AL & CL grabbed my hands and were happy to walk inside. Apparently, they just need their Aunt.

About thirty minutes into the party after I had finished helping with the food AL (4) wanted me to hold her. We sat down on a bench and pretty soon CL (3) climbed up too. For a good fifteen minutes the girls only wanted to cuddle with me.

It's nice to feel needed, it's even better to feel loved :)

email from a friend

2008-08-15T12:30:00.000-07:00

I got some email from a friend of ours today. A little background - We have a group of friends (8 couples) that we tend to get together with pretty regularly. Two of the couples we are particularly close with. At this time K and I are the only childless couple. We've even been "beaten" by the two couples that said that they would wait forever to have a kid. One couple just had their baby two weeks ago and the other is due in November. Some of our friends know what we're going through, while others don't.

The email was talking about the upcoming college football season. We all used to have season tickets together, this is the first year that we all decided to stop buying them (that's a good thing, it can get to be a little much). In the email my friend was talking about what games we might want to get together for. It mentioned a guys night out and a guys night in where the Moms will go out and the guys will all get together with their kids. This part of the mail stung. I'm not a Mom and K doesn't have a child to take to A's house for a guys night in. To throw a little more salt in the wound - the two couples we're closest with (A is one of them) just had new babies - a second child and a first. If I hadn't miscarried we all would have had our babies within two weeks of each other.

I don't want this to seem like I'm not happy for them. I am. I just want to be a Mom so badly. It's like my feelings are coming from two different places inside of me. I'm upset because I'm not a Mom, but I'm not upset with them because they are Moms. Does that make any sense? There is not a part of me that wishes that they never had their children. It's that I wish that I did have one.

I know that K and I were included on this message and were invited to participate, but I just feel so left out. An outsider of a group that we used to be so in with. I think one of my fears is that we'll somehow be forgotten by our friends. Left out because we don't have a child and can't participate in their family fun.

We've kind of seen this already. When there were a few of us childless couples we were often left out of little get togethers or trips to the zoo, whatever. We never excluded our parent friends when we got together, but it never worked both ways. The last few times we've gotten together all of the talk has been babies or pregnancy. It can be suffocating.

So, I don't know. Usually, I think I do pretty good at handling things like this. A's mail just stung more today. I know that he didn't send it to hurt us, but I don't know what the happy compromise is. I don't want him to not send the mail or to plan get togethers because we're IF, but at the same time I would hope that he would be a bit more sensitive or have a little more understanding here. His sister went through three rounds of IVF to conceive her little one. He's not completely dumb about these things.

I don't mean to be such a downer on a Friday, but that's where my thoughts are at. I can only wait and see how our relationships will change in the coming months. Does anyone else have a similar experience? How did it work out for you?

In happier news - I'm pain free! I woke up this morning with no headache and no nausea! I did have two new tiny pimples, but whatever. So, I guess it's important for me to remember in the future that days 1-6 on pro.vera suck, but day 7 is pretty good. Only four more pills left! In the last 24 hours I've felt more and more camping so it seems like something is happening. I hope AF gets here soon.

Hope everyone has a great weekend :)

such a slacker

2008-08-14T10:39:00.001-07:00

I'm sorry for the lack of updates, not too much is going on here. I started Pro.vera a five days ago. I'm having terrible side effects. The last few times I took this I've had a headache for a day but that was about it. This time I've had a four day blinding headache. All I wanted to do was close my eyes and try to sleep. Thankfully, it's down to a completely tolerable low grade headache. I've been incredibly nauseous - it does go away sometimes though. And, I seem wake up every morning with a new pimple. I couldn't tell you the last time I had a pimple, but here they are. I don't own concealer or foundation or anything like that, but I'm not going to buy it either. Luckily the pimples are small so I'll just deal with a few pink dots on my face :) I can deal with these minor annoyances though, I figure that they're all for a good cause. I'm excited for AF to get here (can you believe it?) so that we can start our testing!

some other week-in-review ramblings...

Last Friday K surprised me with tickets to the Steeler's pre-season game against Philly. Because we wouldn't leave Lou for that long my Mom offered to watch him. Louie thinks this is the greatest thing in the world - he loves my parents and their dog Molly. So, to Gramdma's house he went. K and I got to go on a real date! We had a ball. We both ducked out of work a little early, went to the stadium and met friends at a local bar for some drinks. The game was so much fun! We had great seats - about 20 rows up from the 45 yard line, right behind the Steelers bench. After the game we were starving - we didn't eat at the stadium or at the bar before the game because the bar got so busy we would have waited over an hour for food. Because we didn't have a dog waiting for us at home we stopped at Eat 'n Park for a late dinner.

It was so weird to wake up on Saturday morning to the sound of nothing... absolutely nothing. It was kind of disorienting! I talked to my Mom and she informed me that Louie was having too much fun to come home - she'd bring him back on Sunday. So, we had another dog free day. We had plans to go to a picnic. K's cousin just graduated with her PhD and was in town with her husband for the weekend. In the morning I was doing some cleaning and getting ready for the party when I noticed how much I narrate my life to Louie. He's always around and keeps me company wherever I go in the house. So, I talk to him. All. The. Time. I like to think that it keeps him entertained :) I guess this could be the reason why he knows exactly where to go when I tell him it's time to clean the bathroom, or let's put a load of laundry in!

Sunday my parents, brothers, their girlfriends, my Gram and some friends of the family came over for a little birthday party for my Dad. The party went great! Unfortunately, this was the worst day of the Pro.vera headache, but I managed to steal a minute here and there to hide in my bedroom with an ice pack for my head.

This week so far has mostly been boring. I've mostly been laying on the couch or siting outside watching Louie play. Hope everyone is having a good one!

first trip to the RE

2008-08-04T09:00:00.000-07:00

My first visit to the RE was Thursday. It went great! Any minor concerns I may have had about making the right choice were totally gone.

On Wednesday K and I spent some time going over the paperwork and filling out our info. I woke up excited that morning, got dressed, had some breakfast and headed to the local women's hospital. During the travel to the office I was a bit nervous. Not about the coming appointment, but that there really was a mix up and I didn't have an appointment after all. No worries - I did :)

I found the office suite. The women working the front desk were incredibly kind and very friendly. They took me 10 minutes early. I waited in the room for a few minutes and Dr. D (Dr. F's resident) came in to chat. She was lovely. There was no rush. She, of course, asked a ton of questions and genuinely seemed to care. She stepped out for a few minutes and said she would return with Dr. F.

Twenty minutes later they came back. At that point I was a little anxious because I didn't know what he was like, but I would soon find out. Dr. F introduced himself and sincerely apologized for leaving me wait. He didn't forget about me. He was on the phone with my GYN and got them to fax my records over. He didn't come in with Dr. D for the first chat because he was looking them over.

I was thankful for this - my gyn office was less than cooperative about sending my records over. I understand that we only had a days notice but I faxed them a signed records release form and even offered to pick the records up if it was easier. All they kept asking was if I was coming back, why I was leaving and that they would try to get everything together, no promises.

Anyway, I was glad that Dr. F was able to review my history. He was wonderful! Again, no rush, genuinely cared and stopped talking often to ask how I was feeling and if I had any questions or worries. We both agreed to act aggressively. Unlike my gyn he didn't want to send me for one test and then have a consult to review, yay! So, here is the plan...

- abstaining for a few more days then calling in for a pg blood test and provera (my last period was in may)
- take provera and wait for AF
- on CD 1 start making lots of calls
- CD 3 blood work - I don't have the paperwork with me now but this is testing for many, many things
- CD 3 ultrasounds
- CF carrier screening
- go for an HSG
- go for a sonohysterogram
- CD 21 blood work
- in the meantime K has to go for another SA

My next appointment is for Friday, September 26th. I was guesstimating about 10 days for the provera, 7-10 days for AF and then enough time for CD 21 testing. So, this seems about right. At this appointment K and I will see Drs. F and D again and talk about our next steps. Unless there are physical problems detected our next steps should be baby making steps, not more tests.

I am so excited! The doctors were so helpful, caring and very easy to talk to. Again, it really feels like we are making lots of progress - a few days ago we were kind of drifting about, now we have a more concrete and aggressive plan. I was reading through What to do When You Can't Get Pregnant last night and the book mentioned that very few people regret their decision to see an RE. However, many people regret not seeing an RE sooner. I think this was very true in our case, we made the right decision.

In other good news my girlfriend K delivered her baby boy this morning and my other friend (also) K is at the hospital in labor. I'm telling you - it's like baby city around here. There is a bit of a hiatus in August and then one baby due in September, another due in October, two in November, two in January and one in March :)

hoping again

2008-07-31T11:07:00.001-07:00

I need to work on a post about my first visit to the RE this morning. Sneak preview - wonderful! But these were some thoughts that were floating around in my head last night....

Confession - I'm lightly reading a few pregnancy books

Disclaimer - I'm not pregnant

Diagnosis - Crazy (?)

I'm reading The Girlfriend's Guide to Pregnancy. This was given to me by my BFF as a surprise gift after I got my BFP. I'm also skimming The Mayo Clinic's Guide to a Healthy Pregnancy and Baby Bargains. Books that I stupidly ordered after my BFP that came to the house a few days after the "pregnant? not anymore" call.

I think this is a great sign of progress. When the books came to the house I couldn't even look at them. I told K I couldn't deal with it. He took the unopened box and my copy of the Girlfriends Guide off of my nightstand and hid them in a spare bedroom upstairs. About a month ago I asked him where he hid the books.

"What books?"

"You know what I'm talking about."

"oh."

I picked up the box and book, a little anxious. After opening the box (no surprises, the books I ordered were the ones delivered) I placed the books on a shelf in the office. I didn't have a desire to read them and I don't know what prompted me to open them.

Well, last week I was temped to read. We've been thinking and talking a lot more about being pregnant. The mood around our house have been pretty hopeful as of late. We're talking not just about pregnancy but more about what it will be like when we have a baby. Things we can do. Activities we can change a bit to include our baby. Places to go. Trips to take. It goes on and on. Basically, I'm excited to plan for our little family again. I already feel like we are a family now. Me, K and yes, even Louie, but we're looking forward to our expansion.

I think this was a good step for us to take. This is the first time we've really gotten excited about life pregnant/life with a baby since before we were pregnant the first time. All of the talking we're doing now has a hopeful and happy connotation. We're not talking about what we're not doing because we don't have a baby. The statements have gone from "It would have been nice to do _____" or "I really wish we could have _____" (past) to "Won't it be exciting when ______" or "When we have a baby we can _____" (future).

We still have some hurdles but we're hopeful again.

big changes

2008-07-30T08:39:00.000-07:00

My last post? Scratch that. Due to some crazy OB office issues they want me to see a brand new doctor and can't get us in for an appointment for another month (my initial IF consult with them was in May). I'm pretty anxious about this. I was very comfortable with the doctor and the nurse practitioner that I had been seeing. K and I did a lot of talking. Its obvious I need some help. I haven't ovulated since my m/c. My last normal cycle was in September. I'm on CD 72 for crying out loud. We decided to stop seeing my OB and got to the RE.

Hello Practice B! Nice to meet you!

I feel really good about this decision. I haven't yet met these doctors but I have more confidence in them. Maybe because it's their business to help women get pregnant? Maybe I'm more reassured by their reputation and the glowing praise of their current/former patients? Don't know. Either way I feel more positive.

I called this morning for a new patient consultation appointment. I fully expected to wait 3-5 weeks, I understand these folks are busy and sadly, in high demand.

I have an appointment tomorrow morning. That's right. Tomorrow. Morning. Day after today. Holy crap.

I feel like the IF fairies are saying "yes! you made the correct choice! here you go! a quick appointment. no worries".

I was so shocked that I almost dropped the phone. The woman I was scheduling with put me on hold and double checked the opening. She didn't think it was correct either. But it was.

So, I have an appointment tomorrow morning! (I'll stop repeating this!) Obviously, there was no time to send me the new patient packet. Luckily, I'm only five minutes away, so I offered to stop down and pick it up. I had plans to go to my book club tonight, but I think I'll need to skip it. There are a few pages for K to fill out and I'd like to talk everything over with him. If I got to my book club I'll be home long after he's asleep. So I think it's best to skip it.

Yeeeee! I'm really excited about tomorrow!

Our Next Steps

2008-07-28T11:16:00.000-07:00

In a week we'll have the results to K's SA.

According to my doctor if everything is "normal" with him then they will continue to treat me for anovulation. Next week at our infertility consult we'll talk about our next steps (I'm assuming the standard route is Clomid).

If anything is "abnormal" with the SA then my doctor won't treat me and I'll go straight to the RE. There are three major practices in this area. Thanks to my local Nest board and other friends I was able to gather some wonderful feedback about all of them. The practice I was leaning towards (coincidentally my doctor's wife runs the practice), Practice A, is not covered by my insurance. My lovely husband suggested that if that's who I want then we can pay out of pocket for them. I appreciate his intentions but I'm not so quick to jump into that boat just yet. If we get to a point in this process that we'll be paying out of pocket no matter what then we can reevaluate who we've chosen, but I don't think there is any point in doing that yet. The other two practices in this area are covered by my insurance. Practice B is close to my work and was very highly recommended. Most of the ladies that are going to Practice A mentioned that it was a tough choice between A and B and that they would have gone to either happily. Practice C is another story. I have heard nothing good. Not one thing. In fact, I have heard tales of misdiagnoses and significant lack of proper monitoring. I think it's pretty clear who our choice is, should our test results take us down this path. Practice B - I hope we don't need you, but we'll be awfully grateful that you're there if we do.

As always, the general consensus is that this stinks, but we're glad to have a plan and feel like we are making some progress :)

MIA

2008-07-28T07:57:00.000-07:00

I feel like I have nothing to post! It's frustrating over here.

S and N asked me to be Godmother to my newest niece. That's very exciting and I was very touched. I had a fun time searching for a christening gown. I never knew what a market that was! Some dresses were so boring we might as well have wrapped her in a sheet while others were so gaudy you wouldn't be able to tell there was a baby in that dress. Some were cheap, while others were upwards of $400! For the record though, I don't know who would pay that. I think I went somewhere in the middle. Her dress is long, matte satin with an organza overlay. There is some embroidery on the chest and a few satin bands sewn around the bottom of the dress. Also, I did not pay $400 :) The baptism is in two weeks. K and I will be over the house on Saturday to help them clean and set up for the party.

I had a dream that K's cousin was pregnant. If this were true I would be beyond excited for them. They have been trying for years to get pregnant and have been working through the adoption process for a while now too. In my dream we were at the annual Christmas party (the Sunday afternoon before Christmas for all extended family) and B announced that they were expecting. In the dream she was about five months along. If she were to get pregnant now by Christmas she would be about five months along. Freaky. Also in the dream she mentioned that they did want to wait a little bit longer to tell people which is why they waited until she was 5 months along. I really hope that I have some weird sense about this and what I dreamed was true. I have absolutely no plans to share my dream with her, she doesn't need that.

This past weekend was my Mom's birthday. My family came over to swim and spend the day with her. My brothers and I came up with an idea to celebrate her birthday like you would celebrate a kid's. So, I decorated the house with a banner and balloons. Every one got party hats. My Mom got a bright pink "Birthday Girl" button. I made up little treat bags with a Sky bar, paddle ball, noise maker and those little champagne poppers. When my Mom was walking in the house I put a party hat on Louie and gave him a noise maker to chew on. Surprisingly, I told him to stay and he didn't try to remove his hat. My Mom almost fell over laughing at him when she walked in. I'll post a pic as soon as I download it.

I guess I did have some things to post, but admittedly they are a bit boring...

weekend in pictures

2008-07-20T12:26:00.000-07:00

This weekend has been great! Friday we laid low. Saturday my family came over...

Getting ready for the party

lots o' limes for our pomegranate margaritas

my brothers girlfriends relaxing on the couch

Louie on his raft with my brothers

swimming, swimming

my view

My brother and his girlfriend just bought scooters. We had a great time scooting around the neighborhood.

Trying on some head gear

Louie says no more helmet!

Sunday we laid low again. K and S took the girls to church early and I picked up N to take her to church later. Then, I had lunch at my MIL's.

Louie was exhausted!

but I was up and ready to go...

Not pictured - my parents and my blog shy husband :)

I hope everyone had a great weekend too!

rambling

2008-07-18T10:52:00.000-07:00

I'm so looking forward to this weekend. It's supposed to be very hot and very humid. We have plans to stay cool in the pool. My family is also coming over to help us.

Just read my cousin's birth story - she pushed a 10 lb 7 oz baby out of her vagina with no pain meds, no tearing/episiotomy/whatever. Yeeeouch! My uterus is running and hiding as we speak.

Had a random dream that my friend and it talked it out and made up. There were tears. I was the one that called her. Maybe a sign? I don't know. I heard from her once since she called my Mom. She sent a mass email to a group of ladies (me too) saying that she was calling off our random get togethers. She wanted to thank us for support and she was sure that she would be talking to and seeing most of us (I'm guessing just not me?) in the future. I want to reach out to her but I'm not supporting her 13 year old behavior. She's almost twice as old as I am. She needs to act like it.

I have one thing to finish before I leave work. I guess I could wait until Monday, I'd rather not though. One little (okay, big) thing but I'm having a hard time getting the motivation. I think I'll do it after I hit "publish".

K has his SA on Monday. I'm think good thoughts for his little swimmers. It will take 7-10 days for the results(?). I still have September in my head as the month that we could try with a reasonable chance of conceiving. Also as the month that I will get pregnant. I know it ridiculous, but in my head I've been telling myself September is the month. I hope I'm right. I think I need to reset my expectations.

Hope everyone has a good weekend!

pleasently surprised

2008-07-17T12:35:00.000-07:00

If all had gone right I'd be holding a newborn right now. My newborn. My EDD was two days ago. (Hmm, maybe that was why I was so blah?) Obviously it didn't and I'm sitting here holding nothing. I thought I'd be more upset. That there would be more tears, more frustration, more anger. But there's not. I'm oddly fine. When I miscarried K and I thought that we would definitely be pregnant again before our due date. I even joked (half joked) that if I wasn't pregnant then July would be a very un-sober month. Well, not so much. I thought that all of the births this month would be hard, but it's been okay. I was slightly reserved and guarded about my newest niece being born this month. How cool would it have been to have a cousin the same age? Again, it was fine. So, this is an odd status report. There is no status to report on, that's probably a good thing.

more announcements!

2008-07-16T12:42:00.000-07:00

My girlfriend B and cousin L both had their baby boys today! Also, my other girlfriend K is in the early stages of labor with her little boy, yay!

better day

2008-07-16T08:04:00.000-07:00

I do not know what was wrong with me last night. I had some tension at work yesterday, but I left that at work. I was just feeling blah. No reason. I didn't want to clean, didn't want to do laundry, didn't want to swim, didn't want to go out. It was ridiculous. I said to K around 9:30 that I just wanted to go to bed so that this day would be over.

Well, it's over now and today is a better day. Tonight Louie and I are going to hit the trail, or swim or both. We need to do something. He was just as lazy as I was yesterday :)

My newest niece does have a name - Helene. K and I spent some time at the hospital on Friday night. She's such a little peanut! Absolutely beautiful (and I'm not biased or anything). She got the hiccups while I was holding her. It was funny and terribly sad at the same time. I also went over to their house (less than 10 minutes away) early Sunday morning to take them breakfast, play with the girls and do some house cleaning. S was able to leave for a bit to go to church and run some errands and N was happy to get a good shower :)

weekend bits

2008-07-11T10:43:00.000-07:00

Getting ready to leave work a little bit early. K and I are going to head to the hospital to see N and my no-name-niece :) S and N have two names that they are/were still trying to decide between. I talked to my mother in law last night and she mentioned that N's oldest daughter is already calling the baby by one of the names. So, maybe she made the decision for them :)

Tomorrow K and I will be playing in the dirt. My parents are brining over their excavator to help us dig for a new retaining wall and two patios. The finished product is still a ways off considering we haven't even ordered the block yet, but working tomorrow will give us a good head start. I'll have to remember to take some before pics (I always forget that part). Of course Mother Nature is planning on cooperating tomorrow. It's supposed to be 90 and very humid. This is completely fitting because every time my parents decide to help us in the yard it's over 90 and humid! Eh, at least we'll let the machine do most of the work. They'll also bring their suits so that we can relax in the pool after.

Sunday should be nice and relaxing. After church K has softball practice. I plan to take Louie on a long walk and then he and I will lounge in the pool. He loves the pool and lays on his own raft. We find it hilarious. He'll swim around and play fetch but swims back to his raft to rest. (again, must remember to get some pics)

Hope everyone has a good weekend!

still no name!

2008-07-10T07:04:00.001-07:00

aaaaaaaaah! I'm dying for anticipation over here! K's brother stopped over last night for a few minutes. Everyone is doing well, but they can't decide on a name for my new niece yet...

my support system

2008-07-09T12:54:00.000-07:00

I'd like to balance my recent negative posts with a positive one. In no particular order, my wonderful support system...

K - my favorite person in the entire world. He's been incredibly supportive through everything. Although, to be honest, I expected nothing less. I'm able to share everything with him. While it's a bit difficult for him to understand everything exactly, because let's face it he doesn't have a uterus, he's always there. Even when I completely loose my shit. He's the one I always turn to and can unload on without second guessing myself.

My parents and brothers - always supportive and always make me laugh

Louie (yes, the dog) - my little buddy and my little shadow. He can always distract me, whether I'm laughing or disciplining him.

My best friend - always says the right thing and is just as bitchy as I am

My other lady friends - they may have no idea what I'm going through (all new moms/no problems) but I'd like to thank them for asking how things are going and genuinely caring

(newly pregnant) M - knows exactly what I'm going through. Her support has been invaluable (almost right up there with K)

Edited - or the post in which I say "always" a bajillion times, yikes!

wonderful news!

2008-07-09T07:55:00.000-07:00

My blog-less buddy M is pregnant! I'm so excited for her! She's been struggling with infertility (PCOS) for some time now. M and I have been wonderful support for each other. I've been praying and praying like mad and thinking all the good thoughts I can for her and now she's pregnant :) eeeeee!

got the call

2008-07-09T06:10:00.001-07:00

I have a new niece, yay! Her name? I don't know. K's brother called to tell him and said that they still haven't agreed/picked one yet. He has a favorite and she has a favorite. Now that S is looking at her she looks more like N's name (?) but they claim that they'll give her a name by the end of the day. I hope they pick one before the introduce the baby to her three sisters :)

waiting for the call and why can't I share?

2008-07-08T11:40:00.000-07:00

I'm about to become an aunt again, I'm just waiting for the phone call. My SIL has been having contractions since Saturday. She's not at the hospital yet (that I know of) but has a scheduled c-section tomorrow morning. Either way, the baby will be here any day now. I'm happy for her and I'm looking forward to meeting my newest niece, but I'm not as excited as I have been about my other nieces and nephew.

Background - K's side of the family is kind of tough. They are breeding machines. Machines, I tell ya. Not joking, they pick the month they want to get pregnant and it happens (imagine that). One exception is N's 3rd child - it didn't happen the first month, so she bought some OPKs and it happened the second month. K's older brother and his wife have 3 girls (ages 3, 2 & 1), they are expecting their 4th girl like now. Sister 1 has four kids (6, 4, 3 & 1) although she's been dropping hints that they are going for #5 soon. Sister 2 is expecting her first in January and Sister 3 has one (1) and is expecting is September. I'm happy for all of them, but sometimes it can be difficult. We're a fairly close family, I'm closest to N. I see the kids at least once a week.

I found out about N's 4th pregnancy shortly after my m/c. We would have been due around the same time. I still remember my reaction. K was on the phone with his brother. We were suspecting that N was pregnant, but didn't know yet. I heard K congratulate his brother. I could detect the slightly flat tone in K's congratulations, it was hard - he was hurting too. I wonder if his brother was able to detect it? I promptly started sobbing and then texted my best friend - n is pg. due mid july. motherfucker. In my defense this was very much the straw that broke the camels back as N was the 8th friend or family member I knew due in mid July. But, I manged to compose myself and congratulate them.

Here we are months later and none of them know that we're struggling with IF. When I m/c we told K's Mom (very supportive and kind, wanted to share with her). We told her that it was okay to share with the rest of the family. Although we didn't tell anyone directly we didn't hear a peep from any of them. I don't know. Maybe the silence is better than something hurtful. An "I'm sorry" would have been nice. Now, we're just starting the testing/diagnosis process and we haven't told anyone on K's side (in a complete 180 my fabulous parents and brothers know all about my uterus).

I've wanted to tell my MIL, but I can't seem to find the right time. The kids are around a lot and I won't say a word while they are there. I don't know what else is stopping me. It's like I'm letting her down? But that's crazy, I don't feel that way around K or my family. Or, I feel odd because she and everyone else is that family has no problems in that department?

As for my sisters in law? Eh. It's hard to bring up when all they want to talk about are the kids, how busy they are with the kids, pregnancy, etc. Even N, the one I'm closest to. I've spent the last six months listening to her worries about have four kids under 4 years old, how tough it will be. How do you interrupt that with hey! we're infertile!? I just haven't managed to do it yet.

K is welcome at any time to tell all. I've never said a word to him that we should keep quiet. I just don't think that he's able to get the words out either.

Up next - a positive post. I'm bottoming out over here and need to balance that with something good.

end of the road for a friendship?

2008-07-07T12:12:00.000-07:00

I have a friend that I used to work with. She and I were very close (when space got tight around here were opted to share an office - it was great). She struggled with IF before getting pregnant with her daughter three and a half years ago. Life took us down different paths - she opted to be a SAHM, I took a job with another program, but we still kept in touch. We would talk or email regularly, not every week but often enough to keep in touch. She's had some difficulties with depression and has some difficulties handling stressful situations. I've always been very understanding and supportive of her.

The last year or so our relationship has been more strained. Last summer she randomly announced that she has been incredibly unhappy in her marriage for years and she's leaving her husband. I was quite surprised (unhappiness was not something I got from either of them) but would support her no matter what. We talked and I strongly encouraged her to see a therapist (something that she wasn't doing). I never heard another word about it, it was like she never mentioned it at all and she didn't leave her husband. A few months later I asked how everything was going. She told me that she is talking with a therapist (yay) and had been put on some meds for her depression. While everything at home wasn't great, the meds helped her to handle them better. Okay with me, whatever works for her.

Last fall I miscarried. I was not able to get out the words "I was pregnant and now I'm not" so I did not tell her immediately. Her Mom was having some health problems and she was busy with her. Short of a few emails to give me status on her Mom I didn't talk with her for a few months. Things calmed down, we had a chance to talk and I told her what happened. Her response was that I should at least be happy that I can get pregnant. When she was struggling to get pregnant with her daughter she would have at least been happy to know that she could get pregnant. No I'm sorry, or that really stinks. Just that she would have been happy with that result. To know she could get pregnant. I was flabbergasted. I mumbled something about we'll see and got off the phone. I should be happy? Happy? The kicker is I don't know if I can get pregnant again. I stopped ovulating after my m/c. Do I really hope that this can be corrected and I can get (and stay) pregnant? Hell yes. Do I know with 100% certainty? Hell no. I felt burned. I have always, always been supportive of her. I didn't feel like I've gotten that at all.

Some more time went by. At this point K and I were getting frustrated and I went to the Dr to see what the heck was going on. My friend and I didn't talk much. She sent mail that she had also miscarried (tested positive and then started bleeding a day or two after) she was devastated and it was affecting her deeply. I told her that I was very sorry (because I was) but the bitch in me kind of wanted to tell her to be happy that she already had a child and now she knew that she could get pregnant again. I would never tell her that (too mean), but I do have to admit that I thought about it. After that I got a few off the wall, odd comments via email that I chose to ignore.

Prior to leaving for vacation I got an email from her asking if everything was okay. She felt like something was wrong between us but didn't know if she was just imagining it. I responded and told her that I've been very busy (true). I also told here that I've been struggling with TTC, was getting ready to start IF testing and based on her reaction to my m/c I wasn't terrible anxious to share the news with her. She responded that she was surprised and didn't imagine that she had said anything to upset me. She reiterated that she's been having a had time dealing with her own miscarriage and I should be happy to know that I can get pregnant. What?!? Is she not getting it? Is there that much of a disconnect? Am I crazy here? She went on to say that she knows is hectic before vacation and she's contact me after I got back. I didn't have a chance and also didn't care to take the time to write her back figuring I'd talk to her later.

Over vacation I called my Mom and MIL to see how everything was at home. My friend called my Mom. That's right. My friend called my Mom about the problem that she and I have been having. Also, for the record we're not 12. My Mom was confused because she knew what happened last year but I hadn't updated her on anything else. I told my Mom that by now this tiff isn't really a blip on my radar. I have enough to worry about and think about and this didn't rank up there. My Mom, ever the peacemaker, suggested that I call my friend and make amends. The thing is I don't want to. I don't know why I should have to be the one to just forget about it and make nice. For 9 years now I've done nothing but support my friend and listen to her troubles. The one time I needed a little bit of that I didn't get it.

But, have I already answered my own question? If this disagreement/hurt feelings/whatever doesn't rank high enough for me to worry about it then is that how I really feel about the friendship? Is it the end of the road? I really don't know. I feel like it shouldn't be, but I also can't come up with a reason why.

I dind't forget!

2008-07-02T12:57:00.001-07:00

DH and I got home on Saturday and decided to continue our vacation mindset through the weekend. This meant that I stayed very far away from anything that resembled a computer.

Work has been crazy to come back to. Crazy in that I haven't had time to catch up on what happened last week, because I need to focus on what's happening this week.

I had big plans to jot down a few thoughts in the evening but DH and I decided to redo our office. So, buh bye computer. So long wireless network, my poor laptop seems flaccid without you. Also, hello stingy neighbors. Could we share the wireless love a little?

Vacation was great! Really. 98% relaxing and carefree, everything we were hoping for. I have to admit that there were several times/days that I felt like something was missing. No. Someone was missing. We didn't have our baby with us. This was the first time ever that I've felt this way. At home I always think "wouldn't it be great when we have a baby here to do _______" or "oh, I can't wait for a little one _____" But, I've never surveyed the situation and thought "feels like there is something missing", because, well I don't know. Just because. That was kind of startling, I didn't expect it. Initially I didn't mention anything to DH. Silly reasons - I didn't want to ruin his good time, didn't want to focus too much on it myself, maybe I'm going crazy, this feeling could possibly be remedied by s'mores (kidding). But I did tell him. You know, the whole we're in this together thing. He was understanding and supportive as usual. He also said that he thought the same thing. Then, we did our best to not think about it and enjoy vacation.

So, what did we do on vacation? A big fat batch of nothing! Relaxed, took some walks in the woods, a longer hike, lots of fishing (DH), and playing with the dog, all good things.

Here are some of my favorite pics of the week...

Louie helping DH fish

Looking oh so regal with his tongue hanging out on the hike

Swimming. His favorite activity

Some non-Louie pics...

I hope everyone had a great week! I'm working now to catch up on everyone's blog....

V-A-C-A-T-I-O-N.....

2008-06-22T08:20:00.001-07:00

.... we're gonna have a ball, da da da da da da da...

Getting ready to leave in a few minutes. I had a post in my head for yesterday, but never got a chance to sit down. Heading to a baby shower now, then will come home, pick up the dog and the husband and head to our cabin. Have a terrible, terrible head ache, but I'm sure it will go away as soon as I leave the shower. I plan on actually writing down some thoughts while away (now with a real pen and paper!) But won't be able to post - no phone, no internet, no wi-fi within hours, no reason to take a laptop.

Hope everyone has a good week!

could have strangled the dog this morning

2008-06-20T07:43:00.000-07:00

K leaves for work before I wake up. He lets Louie out of his crate, takes him out and then Louie jumps back into bed with me. This morning I heard some odd sounds and found Lou scattering a box of baby q-tips across the living room floor. Apparently he found this weekends baby shower gift. I can totally imagine his train of thought and I'll bet it includes something along the lines of " Q-tips! For me! I have the best Mom in the world! I love q-tips! Let me get these suckers open...." So now I have to go get another box. After cleaning up the tips I went back to bed. Louie proceeded to whimper, bark and run to every window in the house. Damn bird dog. After an hour of this I got up to go to work. What did the dog do? (oh, you can see this one coming for a mile away) He jumped into bed and promptly fell asleep. I may have called him a little bastard under my breath.

I think I may have contributed to his over excitement. For the last week I've been giving him a countdown to vacation. More specifically telling him that in x days he's going to have more fun than he can imagine. He totally understands this of course. I have to finish this afternoon of work and then I'm done! We're heading up to our cabin for the week. I'm also seeing it as my present to myself for surviving baby shower season. This Sunday is the last of the showers - 5 girls - all due around the same time I would have been if I hadn't miscarried, but more on that later....

wow!

2008-06-19T08:37:00.001-07:00

Thank you so much for the comments on my last post! I was so surprised when I logged on this morning. It's wonderful to think that there are so many supportive ladies out there. I'm still working on the layout, but I hope to add links to your blogs soon. Thank you again, I really appreciate it :)

fidle - to answer your question I was on hormonal birth control years ago (ortho tri cyclen for about 3 years), but have been off of it for 6 years now. My cycles returned without a problem and had been normal. In fact, I charted last summer and could clearly see a pattern/when I ovulated/LP, etc. Everything has just been wonky since I miscarried.

*edited to add - Carrie - I totally hope I follow in your footsteps with a cute baby (or two, or three...)

on the list

2008-06-18T09:59:00.000-07:00

A list of completely ridiculous things said to me regarding my miscarriage, pregnancy, and IF (in no particular order)....

- you're still so young, don't worry about it
- if you'd just relax it will happen
- well, you miscarried so you should be happy to know that you can at least get pregnant
- if it's meant to be it will happen
- maybe it happened for a reason
- as soon as you stop trying it will happen
- just pray a lot
- my friend/aunt/cousin/whatever did blah/blah/blah and it worked
- well i know of a girl who had it much worse than you

test results

2008-06-18T07:10:00.000-07:00

Just heard from my ob/gyn - my ultrasounds showed that I have great ovaries, no cysts, no problems. My thyroid is great, but my progesterone is pretty low and indicates that I'm not ovulating. This is kind of what we thought. The next step is for DH to get his SA and we'll go from there. If all is "normal" with him then I can still be monitored and treated by my OB. If not then we would go straight to the RE. I'm not sure how I feel about sticking with my OB/GYN, I'd like to talk to her more about our next steps and how I would be monitored before making any decisions. So, hopefully all is well and we can start trying in August/September. I'm okay with that. When we started the whole thing process I kind of had in my mind that we wouldn't be able to try to conceive until fall, so it seems about right.

hmm

2008-06-17T11:44:00.000-07:00

A post for a blog that I never thought I'd write, but here I am. My mind is racing around with thoughts on infertility and I'd like to get those thoughts down. What to name this blog? I want something that will reflect my mood and the what's happening with my life now, nothing too pessimistic, because a lot of the time I'm pretty damn optimistic. Then it occurred to me! A few weeks ago I was reading an article on infertility. The author wrote that it was hard, just like swimming upstream, but the results were so worth it so pick a treatment and just start swimming. That one fish from Finding Nemo popped into my head, she sings. And you know what? It's made me feel better. When I find out another friend is pregnant I think to myself "just keep swimming! just keep swimming!"

My husband and I are 10 months into our journey to become parents, we still have a long way to go but I finally feel like we've started swimming, we're not just treading water anymore.